Bah Humbug.

I'm just acting like the holidays aren't happening this year.

I couldn't find the energy to get a tree. I can't remember the last time I made it to December without putting a tree up.

I haven't bought a roll of wrapping paper or even walked through the Christmas section at Target. I'm opting out of many gift exchanges.

I usually host our English department's Christmas party, but the idea of hosting anything just makes me feel drained. I'll just lay low.

The Christmas/Hanukkah parties aren't on the calendar. Is it worth finding a babysitter? Or risking feeling uncomfortable? I haven't figured it out.

I have no idea when I was last at the mall. It's been a long time. I used to enjoy the hustle and bustle of the holidays, but I'm pretty sure a crowded mall would give me a panic attack today.

I haven't invited my friends from college up for our annual visit. I desperately want to see them, but it feels like so much effort for them to get up here, and I don't have the money to put on our Christmas tea.

I'm letting the holidays roll on by.

I figure this is the last year where I'll have this sort of an option. Next year Klara will be more involved in our holiday celebrations. I hope that will make this time of the year more merry and bright.

I'm just ready for it all to be over this year.

Hiii-yuh

I’m not much for chatting with random strangers in the grocery store. I do most of my shopping at Trader Joe’s, and I always dread the requisite Trader Joe’s “small talk” while checking out. Klara usually provides enough of a buffer that it’s bearable, but now she’s creating problems of her own.

Klara has taken to talking to strangers. She waves, smiles a cheesy smile, and says, “Hiiiiiiiii-yuh” to anyone nearby. If the person acknowledges her, she repeats the “Hiiiiiiiii-yuh” over and over, sometimes shouting to that same person across the store. It gets awkward.

She always seems to seek out the person I’d least like to talk to. Today she said “Hiiiiiiiii-yuh” to a lady in the produce section.

Klara: Hiiiiiiiii-yuh

Lady: Hi! Well, aren’t you cute? What a sweetie! How old is she?

Me [smiling, but trying to focus on my shopping and not make much eye contact]: She’s 15 months.

Lade: Fifteen months! That’s just the best age! It’s so much fun.

Me: Yeah, I’m really enjoying this age. She’s a lot of fun.

Klara: Hiiiiiiiii-yuh

Lady: She must know it’s almost Christmas. She’s being so friendly.

Me: [courtesy, non-committal chuckle]

[Lady walks away, and I think I’m finished.]

[Lady walking back toward us.]

Lady: I’m getting ready to check out. I’d like to get her a little treat, if that’s okay. She’s just so sweet.

Me [Is this really happening!?]: Aw. That’s sweet, but she really doesn’t need a treat. Thanks, though.

Lady: Really?! I’d just like to get her something.

Me [making more eye contact]: Thanks, but she doesn’t need it.

[Lady walks away.]

[Lady comes back.]

Lady: I got her these gummy bears. I paid for them already. [Shows receipt.] This was all they had for kids at the checkout. They’re really not that bad, though. They have no preservatives, and they’re made with real cane sugar. See, no high fructose corn syrup. [Hands bag of gummy bears to Klara.] These are for you! They’re a special treat! Share them with your mom and dad.

Me: Klara, say thank you to the nice lady. Thanks. That was really sweet of you.

I wanted to be annoyed. She was so freaking obnoxious...but she was so nice. I left giggling to myself, and I had the least awkward check-out ever. The cashier and I got to talk about the lady and more appropriate snacks for a 15-month old. He approved of the things I was buying and told me he tried to point her to those, but she insisted on the gummy bears.

I wonder if this is her M.O. or if Klara's Christmas spirit just got the best of her.

I'm having anxiety about taking Klara back to the store. At least I have gummy bears to snack on tonight.

This way the magic lasts longer?

Klara has started to "pretend eat." She likes to stir and put her play spoons up to her mouth and say, "Mmmm." She uses her tea cups to scoop and "drink."

This mama can't resist a little imaginative play (or a cute wooden toy), so I bought Klara a play kitchen for Christmas. It's pint-sized, and the price was great. I ordered it and put it together during nap time, fully intending to hide it until Christmas--preparing myself for the very real possibility that she is too young and won't enjoy it for a while.

You might know where this story is going.

I've been known to tell people what I bought them weeks before the gift-giving occasion. I don't think I was ever surprised by a gift my parents bought me because I always peeked. My sister and I exchanged our Christmas gifts for each other before Christmas every year because I could never wait.

I hid it behind the couch.

She was climbing on me on the couch, as per usual, and she spotted it. She started saying, "OOOOHHH!!!" and pointing at it and smiling. I couldn't resist. She wasn't even whining. She was just excited. I dragged it out.

That little kitchen keeps her attention far longer than any other toy. She cooks and tastes and talks.

I tell myself it's better this way. It would have gotten lost in the shuffle of Christmas.

I'm just nervous for my mom to come over and see it in the middle of my living room. She'll judge me. I just know it.

Mothering as an agnostic at Christmas

I love Christmas music, and the carols have been her lullabies this month. I've read her books about the birth of Christ, and we have a nativity scene up in our home. And yet...I don't believe that this baby is God.

Am I a fake?

I don't think so. Just as I can tell her the story of Icarus, I can tell her the story of the Christ child. I believe in the power of story. And I believe in the power of tradition.

If she comes to love Jesus as her savior, I know that it won't be harmful. I will love her and support her and feel gratitude that she's found a source of hope--even if it's one I don't have.

Cozy up and I'll tell you the story, Baby Girl.

Of the not-so-great kind.

Part of my plight as a dreamer is that I really struggle with expectations--I always have. It's always more perfect (or more miserable) in the story I wrote in my head.

Some of the most beautiful moments are truly unexpected. I enjoyed this reminder, and I hope you can, too.

This space has been quiet, and that bothers me--not because of any grandiose perception of readership, but because I don't feel like myself.

I don't have anything to say that would interest you or that I feel comfortable sharing with an unknown audience (and, in some cases, a known audience that I don't trust). I have a lot going through my mind, but none of it's good.

I will say this: 'Tis the season when being single is impossible. I love everything about this time of year, which makes me hate it. It's so difficult to experience November through January in solitude--what's beautiful becomes sad. My attempts to "fix" my loneliness often fall flat, which makes it just a little bit harder.

I'm trusting in the hope for tomorrow--that things do, eventually, get better. They must.

Cheers.

The last few years, I've skipped Christmas with the McGowan family. It's one of the best decisions I've ever made. It's exactly what I needed to give myself permission to do. There's one little thing about it that makes me sad, though.

I have this cousin on my dad's side of the family. Her mom is like my mom. Our moms are educated, open minded, and they're definitely not McGowans (even though they borrowed the name for a few years). My cousin went to Berkeley, she's teaching English through Teach For America, and she's naturally kind. I like her. A lot. Not seeing her is the saddest part of not spending the holidays with my dad's family.

We've been e-mailing because I'm passing some lesson plans on to her, and she told me she missed catching up, but she thought it was wise of me to bow out of the yearly Christmas-family-love-charade.

She's right. Going to Christmas doesn't mean I love my paternal family any more. It just means I'm faking it for the day. It's a duty that I've since released myself from. Sigh. Deeply.

...which reminds me of this video. My story is different from "their" story because I have incredible friends who never fail to fill in where my family leaves gaps. They know that this time of year can be unbearable for me, and they care enough to do something about it. I have had many very bleak holiday seasons, though. I can only imagine not having people to fill those gaps.

Will you notice those around you who might need a place to go, a distraction, or an extra dose of love?

This Christmas is different.

The Christmas stillness that used to haunt me is comforting this year. It's beautiful and restful and sweetly quiet. I'm perfectly okay with spending the day alone, whereas last year (and the years before), it was just so sad. Today's solitude has not a hint of melancholy.

Today even looks like Christmas outside. It's good.

Don't bother me...I'm busy enjoying my sparkles.

Breathing deeply.

I'm in such a good place right now. It keeps taking me off guard. I'm just so--happy.

I'm in awe of the fact that I have the most rewarding, joyful career I can possibly imagine.

I'm anticipating the visit of some of my favorite women.

I'm enjoying the chill outside, the comforts of home, and the warmth of good tea.

I'm preparing to host our family's Christmas Eve celebration.

I'm surrounded by beautiful babies and their wonderful parents.

I'm teaching literature that sparks a light in my soul.

I'm feeling loved.

My life is beautiful, and I can't imagine feeling more at peace.

Is it over, yet?

We do all-things-Christmas on Christmas Eve in my family. We're Swedish, and  that's how the Swedes do it.

The problem with that is that Christmas day is very strange because I never know what to do. Last night I took down my tree, and I'm not sure what I'm going to do today. Maybe I will clean my house. Better yet, maybe I'll clean my house while listening to Christmas music!

I'm looking forward to the day when I can celebrate with a family of my own on Christmas day.

I am going to Jessica's for dinner tonight. I guess I'll have to get dressed for that.

Teaing, eating, and parading.

Jessica, Jennifer (and Brayden), Melbert, Amy, Breanna (with a bun in the oven), and Kimberly

These fabulous women (and Brayden and Jeremy) made the trek to Livermore for the Annual Christmas Tea. They are such a blessing to me--mainly because they humor me and compliment my scones. We missed Meggie and Stephanie this year, for sure.

Kimberly may or may not have had orange soda in her tea cup. You be the judge.

That night, after dinner, we (and several other brave souls) went downtown for the parade and tree lighting. I'm afraid the Waste Management trucks put on the best show. It was pretty bad, but we had fun making our own entertainment. Or something.

Pieter and Lucy ended up in a coffee shop. I'm pretty sure they were touched by the multitude of Girl Scouts, so they needed a place to take a break from all the greatness. Jessica and I met in Girl Scouts, so we made a point of explaining the significance of Girl Scouts by the time Girl Scout Troop 268 paraded by. If it wasn't for Girl Scouts, we wouldn't be friends and we wouldn't know how to make Sit-Upons. Some things we learned were more important than others, needless to say.

The annual Christmas melancholy

As soon as I hear the first Christmas song, I start to get sad. Each holiday season, I experience intense depression. I love the sounds, smells, and feel of the season. I love decorating, baking, and sharing. Hell, I even like the Christmas music. For some reason, though, this time of year makes me feel more alone than any other time of the year. There's something about cinnamon candles burning and the glow of Christmas lights that seem to require others. This is the time of the year when I tend to do stupid things.

Christmas Decorations

The Decorating Diva herself (Mama Musumeche)

The best part of living at my mom's house is that I get to participate in her Christmas decorating festivities! It's quite a process, and I have a severe case of ADD, so she loses me after a while, but it's fun to watch (even after my decorating steam is gone).

The Advent wreath

Kirk putting the topper on the "tacky tree." (The tree has colored lights, nutcrackers, gaudy beads, and our preschool ornaments.)

Rocco got confused by the "act natural" command. Here he is unwrapping the ornaments.

I find Christmas lights VERY stressful; they're so tangly and touchy. When my mom asks for help, I say, "Anything but the lights!"

By the way, I will be decorating MY house next weekend. I signed on Thursday, the loan will fund on Monday, and I will get my keys on Tuesday! WOO HOOOOOO!!!!!!

Christmas Tea and Friends

Getting ready for the Christmas Tea!

NPR and Christmas

Are you listening to the "Christmas Spectacular" on NPR? NPR is my newest addiction. They're sharing stories and poems to "save Christmas." I found myself driving around the block one last time to hear the end of the stories. Now, I'm chilling in my house, have some candles lit, and I'm listening to the radio. Flashback to the times of yore. I love it.

Oh blessed, blessed solace

My dear friends from college came to Livermore for the Girls’ Annual Christmas Tea. I dubbed it “annual” the second year, and we’re still going strong on year four. It was a remarkable blessing to have my favorite people stay in my home for a few days. I laughed so hard that I had a pounding headache, I literally cried on their shoulders, and I got the esteemed honor of playing tea hostess. I will post pictures very soon.

I’m enjoying (in a very real way) my first week off for Winter Break. After I recovered from the high of having my girlfriends stay with me, Kimberly and I ran to the mall and Mervyn’s last night in search of that one last gift that’s hanging over Kim’s head. We ended up giggling in Mervyn’s and decided to go home. Today, Bre and I spent the day in Palo Alto with Baby Chandler. I’ve never been ultra attracted to wealth, but, I must admit, it was fun to go gaga over all the rich, educated, well-dressed men! Tonight, Kim and I had a date: Dinner, a movie at the NEW theatre in Livermore, and a walk downtown. We decided that it’s too much fun for both of us when I’m off work. I’m considering never going back. Okay, I’m sure I will be bored by Tuesday.

On a final note, Kimberly made it into the Woodworth Christmas letter. Congratulations, Kim. This blog post is sounding a bit Christmas letter-ish. Think I’ve read a few recently?

Auntie and the Christmas Baby (Ignore the goofy smile on the Auntie and go straight to the cute baby)

Tea Time!