The wafers and the juice cups are being passed. I’m squeezing my eyes shut, remembering the beauty of the sacrament. Remembering how it used to give me a tactile identification with His death. Remembering the community of sharing the holy rite. Remembering the purity of repentance.
I peel open my eyes because the wall is still there. I keep my head bowed, and I stare at my skirt. After he passes the shiny plates to me, I move the wafer around in my fingers. I’m overcome with anticipation. My imagination runs, and I think, “What if, when I eat the bread and drink the juice, something magical happens? What if I suddenly hear His whisper again?”
I know that I am only lying to myself. I chew on the cardboard wafer, wondering if I should even be partaking of it. The familiar disappointment rushes over me. Nothing. I stare at the pastor, wondering if he knows that I have changed. Will I ever feel His presence again? I want to leave church without speaking to anyone.
Thursday, July 21, 2005
Communion or snack?
I’m angry that they still hear Him.
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5 comments:
i know just how you feel friend.
love hate: a prayer
there have been recent moments
when I've hated you
your promises ringing hollow
and hating myself for believing
crying more than normal
and crying out to you
but I feared you weren't listening
why would you hide from me
and then you open a door
the tiniest little bit
you're still asking me to wait
but you allow a friend
to peek his head out
and offer words of wisdom and hope
some of your words
and some from those who love you
oh may what falls from my lips
be an expression of love for you
oh that I could trust you
in your 11th hour ways
may I not be tied down
by the concerns of this broken frame
Azina, Strangely, you've been that friend.
If this is something that so many believers have experienced, why doesn't anybody talk about it? Pride? Fear? Shame? Blogs are the only safe-haven for this type of dreary discussion. Why can't we talk about this at church? Are they afraid too many will identify?
thanks for being honest! i hear you!!
This is the first time I've ever posted on someone's site that I don't know. Sorry if I'm invading. I just wanted to write I feel that too sometimes (I'm in the midst of a season of it), even as a pastor. I believe it is the community of faith we should run to, so these questions need to be asked and discussed. I pray God blesses you with that place and those people, if you haven't found them already.
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