Letters to Klara: 4th Birthday

August 23, 2015

My Sweet Baby Girl,

I’ve been feeling quite nostalgic these days. Any time I see pictures of you as a baby, I miss those days. You’re anything but a baby, and my heart is aching for those days when you were so tiny. The reality that these days are fleeting is knocking me upside the head. I must remember to pause and be present. I must. Sigh. I just want to go grab you out of bed right now to snuggle you.

FOUR! You celebrated your birthday in style—pirate style. Nothing like a fun day celebrating the art of pillaging. You loved having your friends around to celebrate. We dug for treasure, visited a tattoo parlor, and created pirate names. You got so many wonderful gifts—many space, rock, or dinosaur themed. You’re seriously so cool.

You are so filled with wonder. You’re always asking questions and then saying, “We should look that up.” You tell me to ask the “girl in my phone” (Siri). We have a stack of books about dinosaurs and space that stay out in the living room, in case you need to check on something. Oh, man. I love this part of your personality—the part that won’t settle for an “I don’t know.” Don’t ever settle for mediocre answers. Keep seeking, little girl. The quest for knowledge and understanding will give you so much fulfillment. Trust me on this one.

You are always making something. It usually involves sparkly tape, stamps, post-it notes, and glitter glue. These days, you also like to write notes on your creations. You’re often asking, “How do you spell_____?” so you can write some words on your notes. You can write, "I [heart] mom" without any help.  I think that’s probably about all you need to know how to write :)

You are a rule-follower. You are not easily "corrupted" by mischievous friends and family members because you have a strong sense of right and wrong, and you want to do what is right. You often get a knowing face and say, "That wasn't good." I only wish your rule-following nature followed you to bedtime.

 

I’m becoming hyper aware of my habits and the way I talk to people, you included. You are constantly asking me why I do what I do and eat what I eat and say what I say. You are watching me. I hope you can look to me to help find the good and the right, but I know I have and will continue to fail you. This grieves me heart. I wish I could be the perfect mom for you because you deserve nothing less, but I’m so tired that some nights my voice gets sharp, and I just can’t give you the attention you need. I never want to be unkind to you, but I hope my failures are teaching you compassion and patience. I hope that my love outweighs all of my shortcomings.

I love that when I tell you you’re the best thing that ever happened to me or that I love you to the moon and back a million times, you say, “You say that so much. I already know.” That’s my plan. May you always know my love for you is so deep and so wide. The thing is, though, you will never know until you become a mama yourself. It’s a love that you have to know to know.

All my love,

Mama

Letters to Klara: Third Birthday

Dearest Klara,

Three feels like a big deal. You’re a big preschooler, not my baby. What am I saying? You’ll always be my baby! (Cue Mariah Carey.)

You are captivated by the magic of letters. You’re always asking, “What does that say?” “Who starts with that letter?” You’ve even started writing some letters. Letters are magic, Baby. I’m glad you know this already, and I hope you never lose your sense of letter wonder.

Your favorite game lately is “different names.” You’re always asking me (or anyone else who will play along) to “pretend to be….” If we accidentally go back to our real names (rather than Thomas, Rapunzel, Cat in the Hat, Woody, etc.), you quickly remind us that we have “different names.” I love to see the delight on your face when we play along in just the way you’d imagined.

I often hear “What’s your favorite…?” from the backseat of the car. You’ve asked me my favorite pile, favorite shirt, favorite seat, favorite letter, favorite cow, and favorite blueberry. Favorite cow, goofy girl? Give me a break. I often tell you that I don’t always have a favorite, that I like different things for different reasons, but you say, “You like them all, but if you choiced one, which one would you choice?” You really need to know our favorite everything. For sure? I know that you’re my favorite girl.

Speaking of favorites? You favorite song is “Three Little Birds.” You favorite color is “pink, purple, white, and yellow,” but sometimes just pink. Your favorite shoes are Lola’s hand-me-down red Saltwaters that are two sizes too big or your cowboy boots. Your favorite toy is your “guys.” Your favorite pastime is dressing up and dancing around the living room. You also love to have tea parties and to check people with your doctor’s kit.

We’ve had some rough days lately. You know what you want, and you often have a “good idea” for how we could do things your way instead of mine. I’m trying to give you room to grow, challenge, and become independent, but it’s difficult. Sometimes you just need to do what I say when I say it (authoritarian, much?).  I hope that’s a lesson you will learn, though. I don’t want you to ever lose your voice and your strong will, but sometimes we just need to go with the flow. I hope you will grow in discernment—knowing which time is which.

You continue to love your friends so deeply. I read you the guest list for your  birthday party, and the excitement was palpable as you declared, “So many friends are coming to my party!” Even when the time between visits is too long, your friends are often on your mind. You will ask questions about particular friends out of the blue. I like that you often wonder about them.

Please continue to notice the people around you. As you grow, I hope you will continue to wonder about your friends, know when people are upset, care about their favorite things, and want to make them comfortable in your presence. Notice them, Baby. Notice them.

A lot has changed in our relationship this year, as you grow to need space from your mama. What hasn’t changed, though? My unbelievably deep love for you. You’re my best girl, and you always will be. I’m so proud of you. I’m so glad I get to be your mama. So glad. Happy Birthday, Stinky Face. I love celebrating the anniversary of the best thing that ever happened to me.

All my love,

Mama

Letters to Klara: 2nd Birthday

Dearest Klara Jean,

I walked into your room and woke you with the birthday song this morning. I had tears rolling down my cheeks as I sang to you because I was so overwhelmed with love for you, my sweet baby girl.  You sat right up and declared, “It’s my birthday! It’s so nice! Where my presents?” (So much for not raising a materialistic child!) You were so excited that I decided to let you open a present before we headed off for the day. Your excitement is contagious. How could anyone not smile when you do your crazy excited dance and scream?

I can’t decide what you’re most into these days. Trains? Horses? Toy Story? Books? Stickers? To be honest, there’s not much you don’t love, and your love is met with such a pure joy.  You are the best person to buy a gift for because you get so excited. I thought you were going to cry tears of joy over the polka dot shirt Yaya bought you at Costco the other day. The Woody doll Kiki and Jett got you (sorry Brandon and Violet)? It practically gave you a seizure.

You are so fiercely devoted to your little friends. You love “Chooch and Buggy,” Ava, “Nonie,” Jett, Violet, “Baby Gam,” Logan, Chandler, and Roman so, so much. When it’s been a while since you’ve seen them (or their mamas), you always ask about them. I feel that ache, too, Little Girl. We love and need our friends, and we’re not afraid to admit it. I hope you never forget to tell your friends how special they are to you. I know I don’t do it nearly enough.

You’re so emotional these days. (I wonder where you get that trait.) You cry when we part ways, when you don’t get your way, and when you (barely) get hurt. It tears my heart out when you cry as I leave—mostly because I feel the same way, wishing we could be together. You’re so sensitive. When I say, “Please don’t cry. It makes Mama sad,” you always respond with, “Make Mama sad? My happy. Make Mama happy” and quickly end your tears. You don’t want to cry if it’s going to hurt your mama.  I try not to guilt you into stopping your tears, but I also hate to see you cry.

I look back at your first birthday, and I can’t believe how much you’ve changed in a year. You talk non-stop, know your colors, can spell your name, know some letters and numbers, and are so very silly.  I can’t imagine how much you’ll continue to learn when you start preschool next week. You often speak in such grown-up ways saying things like, “Thanks, Mom!” and “Not sure.” You can re-tell many of your books, and spying on you while you “read” is one of my favorite pastimes. You’re growing so quickly, and, although I miss my tiny baby, I also love to watch you grow.

Your personality is magnetic. As you grow older, I hope you continue to draw people to you and use your influence for good. Be a bright light, Klara. Live up to that name of yours.

All my Love,

Mama

Letters to Klara: Month 12

August 23, 2012

Dear Birthday Girl,

As I rocked you tonight, on your birthday, the tears streamed down my face as I sang, "Every little thing is going to be all right”--our mantra. Everything is more than all right, Sweet Girl. Life is so, so good. It's good because you're in it, my dear restoring hope.

A year ago today, I couldn’t believe I was holding you—my baby. Looking into your sweet little face changed my world forever. Being your mama has made me more compassionate, taught me to love more deeply, and helped me to understand the power of motherhood.

Blowing out your candle
 (after it was already gone).

The Happy Birthday song has been on repeat today. I woke you up singing the song, Kimberly greeted you with the song this morning (how lucky that you got to spend your day with your friends!), many friends and family members called and sang it to you, and we sang it over and over this afternoon. Before bed, when I said, “Happy Birthday,” you started dancing because you knew my words were missing a song! My heart is singing now, as I think about your cute little face.

This summer was wonderful. I woke up each morning knowing we got to spend the whole day together. We went on daytrips, swam in Gramma's pool, and played and played. I'm so sad it's over, but I'm even happier that we got that time to catch up on fun. We made so many fantastic memories. I know you won’t remember them, but I will cherish them and tell you about them when you’re bigger.

You've been getting so good at letting me know you understand what I'm saying. When I say, “Time to brush your teeth!” you tap your teeth. When I ask, “Are you ready to eat dinner?” you point to your mouth. When I ask, “Do you want more?” you enthusiastically do your sign for “more.” You also do the motions to “Itsy Bitsy Spider,” high five, and bring me your favorite book white shouting, “LALALA” when you want to read. (It’s called Moo, Ba, La La La, but I’ve told you about your love for that book a few times in these letters J). Your newest trick (and my favorite) is the “tweet tweet tweet” you do when I ask, “What does a birdie say?” or sometimes when you spot a bird. It’s the sweetest little tweet.

I love you. I love you. I love you. (I’ll never be able to say it or kiss those cheeks enough!)

All my love,

Mama

Letters to Klara: Month 11

In Ashland with "your boy"

July 23, 2012

Dear Klara,

When I go to check on you before I climb into my own bed at night, I always get a little flutter in my heart. I look at you and think, “This is my baby.” My heart is bursting with love for you, Klara; it feels too good to be true. There is no way you will ever understand how much I love you. No way. I already look forward to the day when you have children of your own; that way you can get a better idea of the depth of my love for you.

Collage artist in the making?

This month you started giving loves. You blow kisses and “love on” anything you like (your baby, the remote, your favorite foods). It’s so funny to watch you snuggle the remote, and snuggling Mama is the sweetest thing ever.

You get so excited when you see animals, and dogs remain your very favorite animal (until they start barking). You crawl after Gramma’s dog, Bailey, and pat her on the back. When we walk into Gramma’s house and you see Bailey, you try to jump out of my arms to go after her! Speaking of Gramma, you’re calling her “Yaya” these days. I wonder if it will stick.

Your biggest achievement this month was crawling! You’re getting so fast, and crawling has opened up a whole new realm of exploration for you. Suddenly you’re very curious what’s under, behind, and inside the things in our house. You crawl over and check it all out.

With the Rogers girls (your first flight!)

I’m amazed at your imitation skills. It makes for funny little dance parties when I can get you to try whatever I’m doing. It’s also a reminder that I need to be careful about how I speak and what I do around you because you’re watching me—you’re learning how to treat others and how to behave through my actions. Thanks for reminding me to do good.

Picnicking at the zoo with Gramma

This summer has been so sweet. I have no idea how I’m ever going to survive going back to work in the fall.  Our days are quiet, calm, and rhythmic, and I love them. Part of me is already starting to grieve the close of summer.

I really, really love you, Sweet Girl.

All my love,

Mama

Letters to Klara: Month 10

June 23, 2012

Dear Klara Jean,

Double digits today, Baby Girl! You’re napping next to me on our hotel room bed in Oregon. We’re here for the wedding of one of Mama’s closest childhood friends. When I think of most of my best childhood memories, he’s always playing a starring role in them. It makes me thankful that we’re surrounded by so many awesome families—that you, too, will have great memories with our friends!

You’re starting to play games. You grab your lovey, put your head on my chest, and say, “Nuh nuh,” pretending you’re going to sleep, and then you look at me and smile, as if to say, “Tricked you.” You also hide around the corner and peek around every once in a while, in your latest version of peek-a-boo.

You love to make music!

You’re constantly “chatting” with us. One of your favorite things to say is “tickatickaticka.” It sounds like you’re going around looking for people to tickle. You also started saying, “Mama” this month, and I love it! You look at me and say, “Mamamama,” and I always respond, “Yes, Baby?” You smile with satisfaction that you could get my attention. Your favorite word, though, is definitely “dog.” You open and close your hand and say, “Dogdogdog” whenever you see a dog, or, really, any animal. We spend quite a bit of time at the zoo these days, and you shout “dogdogdog” at the alligators, monkeys, turtles, and lions. It’s so silly.

With your friend Luciana at the zoo

You are so busy! If you’re in my lap, you’re on a constant quest to climb out of it (unless you’re tired). When we walk through a room, your arms are out in every direction grabbing at whatever you might be able to grab. You scan the floor for things you might like to eat, and then you quickly roll over to whatever it is that you want.  Chasing after you keeps me busy!

I love you so much, Sweet Girl. I love to be the one you want when you’re upset. I love the way you yell at me with pure joy when I lie down on the floor to play with you. I love to be the one you call “Mama.”

All my love,

Mama

Letters to Klara: Month 9

Pool ready (You hated it.)

May 23, 2012

Dear Klara Jean,

Wait a second!? You're nine months old? That sounds way too big. I’ve been spending a bit of time this month mourning the loss of my tiny baby. You’re just so…different!

First time seeing the ocean (You loved it.)

You’re slowly wanting to spend much less time in my arms and much more time on the go. These days, it’s a rare night that you’ll even let me rock you to sleep. I rock you and sing to you and then put you in your crib awake because you’re much too distracted by my face, whatever’s in my room, and attempting to climb off the chair; you do much better if I just put you down in your crib with your lovey bunny and binkie and let you put yourself to sleep. It makes me sad that we’re losing that nightly ritual that I loved so much. Some nights, if you’re tired enough, you fall asleep drinking your baba, and I put you up on my shoulder and rock and rock. The only time you’re still is when you’re sleeping! I cherish those moments of closeness because they’re becoming more and more rare.

My favorite DJ

This has been the month of tricks. If I say, “Yay!,” you start clapping. If I ask, “How big is Klara?,” your arms shoot up as you proudly smile when I answer my own question with “Sooooo big!” As soon as the music starts, you start bobbing your head and you get a look of pure joy on your face. You crack me up.

You’re working on mastering eating finger foods. You love blueberries, but I admit that I don’t give them to you as often as you’d like because, boy, are they messy. Your other favorite foods are puffs, yogurt, and strawberries (sweet tooth like Mama?). You’re learning to like black beans, veggies, turkey, and eggs, too.

Finger foods!

You got tubes! Your ears are clear! I’m so happy that you can now hear us better, and you are so much happier now that the pain is gone. It was so fun to hear Dr. Fry declare, “Her ears look perfect!” at your last well-check. I haven’t heard that one for quite some time!

I love you, Darling baby of mine.

All my love,

      Mama