Working on it.

I'm suddenly feeling the ache for my "old life." It's funny, too, because I know I was wretchedly unhappy then.

In a sense, I feel trapped right now. I'm stuck in this little house after Klara's bedtime, and sometimes it seems like the walls are closing in on me. I could easily have someone come and sit with her so I could go out, but I don't even know what I'd do and with whom.

It feels almost wrong to admit it, when this feeling is so foreign to me--this feeling of discontentment with the life of being a mama to this girl whom I love so much. This role has brought me so much joy (and it DOES), but suddenly I'm feeling frustrated.

I think it's the start of the summer. The long stretch of so much time alone with Klara is a little bit daunting; I admit it. Being a single mom can be incredibly lonely, and going to work each day does help to ease some of that loneliness. There's comfort in the routine, even when it feels like an impossible juggling act, where one ball is much heavier than the others. Work weighs me down, but it also keeps me moving.

I'm having a difficult time finding my place, recently, and it's easy to ignore when I'm too busy to stop and really feel it. I don't get invited to do things with my childless friends anymore. I'm not as easy as I used to be. I don't quite fit in with the moms who are home during the week. They've worked hard to develop their own groove. When people do stuff with "families," we're rarely included. When we do get invited, I often leave depressed, anyway. 

Our little lopsided family is sweet, but it's also quiet. We'll find our summer rhythm. We will.  I just suspect it will take some time.