Recently, I've really been wondering about marriage. I guess I don't really get it. When I ask married people, "Why marriage?" they usually laugh and give some incredibly non-romantic answer like, "Tax breaks." They're obviously (hopefully) kidding, but I really am wondering, "Why marriage?"
We saw Away We Go the other day. The film (which I loved, by the way) seems to confirm my recent thoughts and questions about the "institution" of marriage. It's not for everyone. It's okay to be deeply committed and in love with a person and not want to get married.
Sometimes, marriage seems like a way to trap people into staying together. Why can't the commitment be "even when it's hard," not "as long as we both shall live?" The commitment seems more valid and true when it's not just because there's a legal document involved in the commitment.
I want to love for the sake of love.
4 comments:
Well, that's an interesting perspective, Sherry. There are a few problems to take into consideration when people decide to not get married.
1) When things get hard (and they will at some point), it's much easier to leave when you are not committed. I know a lot of people who are so glad they were married because it SAVED their relationship. If they hadn't been married when hard times came, they would've broken the relationship off because it was easier. But, they stuck it out and had a stronger relationship coming out on the other side. Love doesn't mean you'll feel love 100% of the time.
2) What about kids? We live in a "whatever makes you happy" society. So, two people decide to get divorced and forget that it's going to really hurt the children! And, people always say "it's better for us to not be together than have our kids see us fight all the time". Uh- how about you grow up and don't burst into conflict in front of your children? Or, how about you actually solve conflict in a respectful way and teach your kids about how to maturely approach conflict.
My post is getting long so I'll end with just those 2 reasons, but know that there are many more than confirm why the marriage relationship is so crucial for families and for society as a whole.
Read "Love and Economics" and "Brave New Family" if you are up for a good read on the subject.
*Side note- I come from a family where almost everyone doesn't believe in marriage, and over 2 generations it has been incredibly destructive for the family.
This is something that's been floating in my head and that I'm questioning, not that I've made up my mind about. I'm just wondering about it. I'm not even saying that I wouldn't consider marriage.
You made two good points that I've definitely considered. In fact, I think children are the primary reason to get married. As far as kids are concerned, I think it's almost always better for two people to stay together than to separate (not that marriage will assure that). Divorce is, of course, one of the most painful things a child could experience.
I guess my point is that marriage isn't necessarily best for everyone and it shouldn't be the assumed next step. I'm not encouraging people to leave when it gets hard; I'm just questioning the inevitability of marriage in all relationships.
That said, I'm excited to see you get married next week :) I know that, for you at least, your marriage is purposeful, and I admire that.
P.S. I think my title was misleading. I'm, by no stretch of the imagination, an advocate of divorce. My hope, though, is that relationships will be successful for greater reasons than the fear of divorce.
Hatred for divorce does not negate the purposes of marriage, though.
I loved Away We Go.
A few brief thoughts:
- "Even when it's hard" is unequal with "as long as we both shall live" because it can rely on each person's understanding of difficulty ("hard") at the time. Thus is born the common break-up/divorce phrase: "I never thought it would be this hard" (See Jon/Kate Plus 8). Lifetime is a quantifiable commitment to which the husband and wife can be held accountable by friends, family, the church (if applicable), and the law.
- The idea of accountability leads me to my second point. Marriages start with weddings for a reason. The purpose of making this commitment in front of God, family, friends, etc. is to receive both support and accountability from those in attendance. A best man should not stand idly by while a husband flirts with his secretary, etc. We all need people who have relational (or legal) authority in our lives to call us out on our selfishness and irrationality. This applies to all relationships, not just marriage. We bring others into our relationships because we believe (correctly) that we are not capable of doing it on our own.
- I imagine as a teacher you would agree that holding someone to high standards doesn't necessarily mean "trapping" them, rather it often means helping them achieve something beneficial with which they simply need a little guidance.
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