How I got here from there: Part 4- the end

The first year I spent in Livermore after college was one of the darkest in my memory. I was depressed, alone, and hopeless. Choosing to live didn’t feel like the default, by any means. I had to really fight for my life. 

Night after night, I kneeled at my bedside crying out to God. I HAD to believe because it was the only thing I could cling to. I kept going to church, teaching Sunday School, praying, reading my Bible, and going to Bible study, but I just couldn’t believe.

I felt a physical barrier in my brain that I couldn’t defeat. I described it as the fuzzy area in the front of my head that wouldn’t allow me to believe, despite my best efforts. My efforts were ardent and humble. I felt I needed God. I needed Him to save me, and a life without Him was simply impossible. I couldn’t find Him, though.

As time passed, nothing changed. I have no idea what I expected—a lightening bolt from heaven, perhaps? I was so angry that God was silent, and I gave up. That was it. There was no climactic moment of turning away. I finally started talking about “it.” As I talked, I learned I wasn’t the only one. That’s where I cling. We’re in this together. This thing called “agnosticism.” “Agnostic” was a word I never understood until it came to define my soul.

I’m still open to a spiritual realm, but it would be a lie to say I believe in the God I was raised to serve. It’s much freer than I ever would have anticipated (especially four years ago!). The best part? I can befriend people because I like them not because I want to be “intentional” about my relationships. 

Oh, sweet release.

What's this all about?